I dismissed thoughts of Gideon for a while, as we enjoyed our breakfast. A busy day followed until finally it was evening. The children went upstairs after dinner and I was left alone with my thoughts. As I sat on the back porch looking into the woods, I enjoyed the sounds of the tiny birds as they flitted back and forth over the bird feeders.

It was a lovely evening, neither too hot nor too cold. A gentle breeze lent a quiet peace to the surroundings, and a carpet of stars glimmered in the sky. Far above the trees a few clouds were lazily making their way home. “Home?” I mused. “Where do clouds go when they return home?” Given to philosophizing at times, I followed the thought. Clouds go home to the oceans of the world. They become one with what they have always been. A cloud, it seems,is the ocean expressing itself another way. Perhaps, I,too,came from an ocean of being and was expressing myself as John. A cloud only changes form. It never dies; it only changes. It may disappear for a while only to reappear again in a different form in a different place and time.

Those thoughts led me to reflect about Mardai. Where did she go after her transition? I consider myself somewhat open minded, maybe even a bit enlightened. Yet, there are those moments when I hurt a lot and do want to ask such questions. Was she called away, or did she go of her own choosing? We all know where the caterpillar goes. It leaves itself to become a butterfly. But who can tell where the butterfly goes?

Because I knew deep within my heart and mind that life is much more than it appears to be, I felt an inner strength and guidance. I was able to survive the devastating blows of the world of commerce and trade. I was able to live with seeming loss, always knowing that in reality, one never loses. On some level of consciousness not quite apparent to me, I accepted all setbacks as challenges.

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