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Why I am Running for President: Special Victims Unit

by msdodger

When presidential candidates are asked why they are running they
invariably say something like "I'm bursting with so much love for
this great country and its people that running for President is
the only patriotic thing to do". These candidates are also quick
to assure us that they do not simply love our country in the
abstract, they love each and every one of us personally.

Of course our candidates are human (with the possible exceptions
of Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton), so they do tend to love some
of us more than others. While sometimes I feel a little bit
slighted by this, I am comforted by the fact that politicians
show special affection for America's special victims. This is
evidenced by the fact that every stump speech now includes a
reference to a tale of at least one hapless citizen that provides
the candidate with that extra motivation to soldier on to
victory. Every presidential candidate nowadays is winning one for
the "Gipper".

George Gipp was just an unlucky football player. Today's special
victims have to have encountered evil forces that threaten the
foundations of the republic. They also had to  pass through metal
detectors and encountered the candidate long enough to relate
their tales of woe. This is more of a challenge than you might
think, because listening closely and attentively to other people
is not a skill that most politicians have in any great abundance.

It is also clear that not every victim's tale of woe makes it
into a candidate's stump speech. We would never hear the
candidates recount problems like, "your secret service detail had
my car towed" or, "I don't want to be photographed shaking your
hand at this restaurant because the woman sitting next to me is
not my wife." Nay, such ordinary complaints do not warrant
mention.

In order to make it into a stump speech as a special victim, a
tale of woe cannot be trivial. It must be truly awful and most
importantly it must underscore the correctness of the candidate's
campaign platform. Not surprisingly then, different political
platforms call for different special victims. Republican special
victims do not suffer the same woes as Democratic special
victims.

From a Republican candidate you might hear about someone like
this: " I am running for President to help folks like Louella
Farnsworth. Louella's late husband Quincy was a great American
innovator and entrepreneur. He invented the self fastening
American flag lapel pin that I now proudly wear. Sadly Quincy's
company became the victim of a frivolous lawsuit brought by a
rapacious trial attorney who falsely alleged that the pin  was
manufactured with trace metals that caused a rare but deadly skin
condition".

"Despite the frivolity of the claim, a punitive and compensatory
damage judgment in excess of $100 million dollars was awarded and
Quincy lost his company and most of his fortune. Disheartened and
distressed by this gross miscarriage of justice, Quincy sank into
a deep depression and died shortly thereafter".

"Louella next suffered yet another calamity, this time at the
hands of the IRS. Down to her last $50 million dollars in assets,
she had to pay fully 40% in death taxes, leaving her not only
heartbroken but nearly destitute. When I met Louella at a town
meeting,  with tears in her eye she pressed into my hand one of
her few remaining $1,000 bills not taken by trial attorneys and
the IRS. So ladies and gentlemen, I fight on not for myself but
for those like the Farnsworths who were victimized by rapacious
trial attorneys and the IRS".

From the Democratic candidate you might hear about someone like
this:" I am running for President for folks like Mavis Smith,a 70
year old former school teacher living on a fixed income in
Cleveland. Last summer she was walking her beloved beagle, Bugle
Boy, outside an abandoned chemical plant that had shut down and
relocated to Mexico, costing Cleveland over 2,500 jobs. Her
beloved dog accidentally waded into a toxic waste pool that the
EPA failed to detect because of the administration's war on the
environment".

"Bugle Boy was left gravely sick. Mavis dipped into her food
budget to pay for the steep vet bills to save his life. Bugle Boy
pulled through but several months later in an effort to economize
Mavis bought a "Big Box" store brand of tainted dog food imported
from China. And Bugle Boy died. I met Mavis a few weeks ago at a
town meeting and she pressed Bugle Boy's dog collar into my hand
and told me not to forget.  So ladies and gentlemen, I fight on
not for myself but for those like Mavis Smith".

<body>Michael Sack Elmaleh is a Certified Public Accountant and
Certified Valuation Analyst. His book, "Financial Accounting: A
Mercifully Brief Introduction", has received wide critical
acclaim. He has nearly 30 years of accounting and 10 years of
teaching experience.His web site is <a
href="http://understand-accounting.net">understand-accounting.net<a/>
</body>

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